Friday, 12 October 2007

• I think someone lost the manual to my life recently....

  If anyone knows of a way my life could be more crazy, please let me know.

  Okay, first off, the good: I've been in a generally insanely good mood in certain places lately, mostly in school and at work. Fall weather has finally come, and it's made me so happy I can't believe it. I've gotten some inspiration for an Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction I think would be AWESOME (then again, since I'm writing it, I guess my opinion doesn't count much....), Thanksgiving is coming up so I'll get to see my cousins in a little over a month (yay!!), I'm going to camp next weekend, I've had a good, steady flow of new Avatar episodes lately, I finally got to finish my summary of Ditto Story 1, and my grades at school are good. Life should be going great, right?

  Wrong. Along with all that, there have been some bad things: in my Geography class, I feel regularly "attacked"---mentally and spiritually---by a lot of things. First of all, my teacher is...well, political, and he isn't very hesitant about using his position as a teacher as a soapbox. Also, despite the fact that I normally do fairly well at bookwork and tests, I've actually been doing POORLY in both areas on occasion! I don't know if I'm just finding it difficult to do well when I feel hesitant to walk through the door and have to worry about whether my teacher is going to say something ELSE I feel is inappropriate, or if something's really wrong. It's making me wonder what it feels like when Satan attacks you personally...and if maybe that's what going on with me. Or maybe I'm just making a big deal about nothing; my imagination is a little too wild sometimes.

  Okay, and that's not even scratching the surface. At home, things aren't going well. My parents are both stressed out because of their jobs---my dad is trying to find a new one, and it seems like all his stress is being vented on us (mostly me, since I'm the most strong-willed of the family), and my mom because we're short-handed at our job and she's been working a lot more than usual. In fact, so have I, and my time has been cut really short (I can't wait to get back to 2-3 day weeks!). My sister has been more reclusive than usual, and my younger brother...I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just me, but he sometimes seem to lose all his common sense and respect towards everyone else. In other words, he seems to me like a little brat who's goal in life is to be annoying. I know that's how most older siblings feel, but I usually don't feel it so strongly that I have difficulty not voicing it. The more that I look at it, though, I think it's just me, and at the time, I like to attribute it to the fact that he's probably turning into a teenager and that's just making him a jerk. (Like I said, at the time; I don't actually feel that way unless I'm mad at him.) And it seems like we're always just exploding right into arguments---and worse. I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive to all bad factors or something, but it just keeps getting to me.

  Oh, and let's not forget how I feel in my room. Lately, for no reason, I've been getting sudden bouts of claustrophobia in my room; I think it might be because the room's a mess and I need to clean it. However, it's been messier in the past, and I haven't felt claustrophobic before. Today, it was so bad that when I was practicing my saxophone, I couldn't concentrate for the last few minutes. I also have also been feeling rather...inspired, but uninspired. I want to write, but I can't think of what to write. After I nearly lost the book I'm working on thanks to a computer glitch (nearly; I had it online and was able to save all but the last chapter), I've been trying to figure out how to re-write the chapter I'd already been losing interest on, and it's not working. For my Ditto Story segments, they just won't come out the way I want them to, so I give up. That Avatar fanfiction I mentioned? I'm struggling with the main characters because I don't want to have the cliche set-up of characters. Every other project of mine? They refuse to come off the back burner of my mind.

  I've also been losing my appetite and feeling sick. Lately, I haven't been able to finish supper, even when I haven't eaten for hours. Three times in the last one or two weeks, I've suddenly felt nauseuous while eating---and I've noticed they've all come after drinking milk. Since one was at school and two were at home (out of different milk jugs), either there's a LOT of rotten milk only I'm affected by, or there's something wrong with me. (I'm leaning towards the latter.) It kind of feels like something I had at the end of the school year last year...but at the same time, it's different, so I don't know what to do about it.

  The last reason, but the one that hurts the most right now...my (paternal) grandpa might be dying. I just found out today he was in the hospital for heart surgery, but he was so weak, they couldn't perform it, and there's nothing they can do. My dad is going up to see him tomorrow (I can't; I work when he has to leave, and it's too late to find someone to work for me)...and he mentioned it might be the last time. I know my dad sometimes exaggerates about things like this (he thought signs of acid reflex meant an ulcer), but I can't help but wonder if he's right. What if my grandpa is really going to die? He's not a Christian, to my knowledge (he hasn't been for as long as I can remember, and I haven't heard any change in that), and...I've never lost anyone close to me before. I've been hoping that this is a nightmare, or that it's not as bad as it sounds...but deep down, I know that's not really true. I know this is real, and I know that it probably is that bad. All I can do is hope and pray, but I never realized that relying on God for hope could hurt so much. I never realized that the possibility of a close relative dying would ever happen...and I certainly wasn't expecting it now.

  Sorry; I hadn't meant to turn this into a long, depressing rant about how bad my life has been lately. It really hasn't been as awful as it might seem from the length of my "negative" points; it's been a lot of ups and downs. Unfortunately, I feel more down than up right now.

  ~Ryadian/Ashareya ThirdCrystal/Elicael, Fire Sarien~

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